At least in my day dreams I can control the drama, fill the emptiness with what I wish, relieve the apathy.
Because it's not apathy that I'm really fighting; it's laziness and lack of motivation and not knowing what I want to do with my life. My mother tells me that she just wants me to have a goal, to spend my time working for something. But I can't see anything, no matter where I look, worth working for, much less fighting or hurting for. But I'm not content to sit on my ass either. I want to find something I enjoy working for, that's worth more than the effort I put into it, that is more important that the sum of its parts (something that requires more than a disgusting cliche to describe it).
But the harder I look, the more that ethereal, uncatchable "thing" I'm looking for escapes further and further away from me.