Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.

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Telltale signs

It’s not the same now as how it used to be. Perhaps it’s because we’ve been kept apart from each other for so long, that I’ve chosen to make myself a better person and complete my degree at the same school as I began, that duties at home and to family have kept him from following the dreams that we wove in the magic of the night, desperate to twine our lives together somehow, four hundred and sixty miles of reality wedged between us. Perhaps it’s that our love was forged partly in a fantasy world, that we held images of each other that were fuller, braver, craftier, freer to choose a destiny of grandeur, or just freer to be ourselves when reality was removed and couldn’t strip away your humanness with daily necessities and frustrations. Now reality has no room for us, driven out the beauty of the people we wanted to be. Once I ran to him, away from school, and got a taste of what life is really like: being a grown-up and working in a big city at a job I hated. Burned by adulthood’s scalding, unforgiving truths, I ran back to school and faired only slightly better. The miles between us again, we both faltered under the burden of lives that we weren’t accustomed to, not disciplined enough, not strong enough, not tough enough to handle being in a job/school and living where we were unappreciated, unchallenged, uncreative, unhappy. I know we were both depressed. I think we still are.

Now our “I love you”s come only at the end of fights and sometimes not even then. Too often, I forget that I love him, my thoughts tangled in anger and apathy. I have to remind myself that this is the man that I fell in love with, the only one who’s swept me away and let me taste bliss, happiness, profound agelessness, that I’d found my destiny to be with the man I had loved since before creation, all the things that heaven promised when I believed in it, just to be near him or wake up in his arms. Now we can’t talk without fighting or fight without hurting each other. I’m terrified that perhaps we’ll never be happy together, that our paradigms are too different, that the distance between us isn’t just physical but that it’s driving us apart, that the images we had of each other are too unlike the real person lurking behind them.

This is the man I pledged my heart to, promised to marry, will still marry if we can just wade through the funk of miles (and now oceans) and expectations and finances and frustrations. I have to learn to let go of the frustration and fear that’s built up in our time apart, to fall in love with the real him, and to mesh those dreams we made with the hard, unbendable reality we’ve been provided. A great deal of our problems is that we can’t be who we want to be, not right now at least. Unfortunately, our life together will keep getting put off until August when I graduate (provided nothing goes horribly wrong with my classes, etc.). I don’t know where we’ll go from there. I can only hope that once we’re together, we’ll be able to talk without fighting, getting offended, angry, or defensive, that we’ll be a little closer to being the people we want to be and that we can learn to love within reality.

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