Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.
lost_angel

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A freakin' roller coaster

That's what life has been lately. Matt and I can't stop fighting. The good times with him are great, but the bad times with him are absolutely miserable. And all I want is to just be able to work things out, get a job, and get back into school for just one more semester. That's all I need, but I suppose that is a lot to ask for when you have none of it.

It seems like the problems just keep piling up. Every few hours something new pops up to make me mad at Matt, to feel like he's selfish and uncaring, refusing to do the things that he expects of me. It really really hurts that he doesn't want and even refuses to even meet my friends and makes no effort/refuses to try to become close to my family. I honestly feel like I'm putting in ten times more than I'm getting out of it. And it's not that I care about what I get, it's that what is important to me means nothing to him (I'm asking too much of course, or something always works out in his favor so he doesn't have to go to Mississippi or visit me) but what's important to him is and must always be important to me.

Example 1: I have been to four weddings with Matt, most of which I wanted to go to, one of which I didn't really want to go because I had to miss several days of school and didn't really know many people there. But Matt wanted me to go because he was in the wedding and also wanted to make it a trip to see his extended family. Matt has missed all 3 of the weddings I've asked him to go to, even my mother's. One he has a good excuse for, the others he did not.

Example 2: I went into heavy debt last fall semester by getting an apartment of my own. The reason I got an apartment was because Matt had to stay with friends when he came to visit me. So I get an apartment, spend tons more money than I can even dream of affording, and Matt comes to see me....once, for the entirety of the semester. He even has all 3 day weekends; but I do almost all of the traveling and visiting for the semester.

We've talked about it and talked about it, or mainly I've tried to tell him how much it bothers me and he says I'm not being fair or makes me look like a demanding, ultra-sensitive woman. As of late, I've been able to point out some things from my perspective to make him understand, and it seems like he's trying to work on it. Let's hope it's looking up for us. That's all I can do, work on my own problems and hope.

SOLAR has been more harmful than helpful as of late; I fear as much as I try it's more of a danger to my relationship and my self esteem than it is fun. I think a lot of it has to do with my character, the fact that she's a timid, underestimated and easily frightened young woman who is too scared to do the things she wants to. Combined with the fact that I feel like a total leptic and that I think people are constantly sizing me up and thinking I'm an awful player and the fact that girls are never-ever taken seriously at SOLAR. It's very damaging to my sense of self-worth. If you know me, you know that of all things to get me in the worst mood is to embarrass me, and that's how I feel all the time at SOLAR.

I worry that it's me, that I'm asking too much, not relaxing and just letting things go as they may, that I'm being overly-sensitive and demanding. All I know is that what I am asking of Matt to fix our relationship, I've got to be willing to do myself and actually do myself instead of just saying I will.

Well, I'm trying.
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