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A freakin' roller coaster - Salvador Dali in a lawn chair.
I'm invisible without 3D glasses.
A freakin' roller coaster
That's what life has been lately. Matt and I can't stop fighting. The good times with him are great, but the bad times with him are absolutely miserable. And all I want is to just be able to work things out, get a job, and get back into school for just one more semester. That's all I need, but I suppose that is a lot to ask for when you have none of it.

It seems like the problems just keep piling up. Every few hours something new pops up to make me mad at Matt, to feel like he's selfish and uncaring, refusing to do the things that he expects of me. It really really hurts that he doesn't want and even refuses to even meet my friends and makes no effort/refuses to try to become close to my family. I honestly feel like I'm putting in ten times more than I'm getting out of it. And it's not that I care about what I get, it's that what is important to me means nothing to him (I'm asking too much of course, or something always works out in his favor so he doesn't have to go to Mississippi or visit me) but what's important to him is and must always be important to me.

Example 1: I have been to four weddings with Matt, most of which I wanted to go to, one of which I didn't really want to go because I had to miss several days of school and didn't really know many people there. But Matt wanted me to go because he was in the wedding and also wanted to make it a trip to see his extended family. Matt has missed all 3 of the weddings I've asked him to go to, even my mother's. One he has a good excuse for, the others he did not.

Example 2: I went into heavy debt last fall semester by getting an apartment of my own. The reason I got an apartment was because Matt had to stay with friends when he came to visit me. So I get an apartment, spend tons more money than I can even dream of affording, and Matt comes to see me....once, for the entirety of the semester. He even has all 3 day weekends; but I do almost all of the traveling and visiting for the semester.

We've talked about it and talked about it, or mainly I've tried to tell him how much it bothers me and he says I'm not being fair or makes me look like a demanding, ultra-sensitive woman. As of late, I've been able to point out some things from my perspective to make him understand, and it seems like he's trying to work on it. Let's hope it's looking up for us. That's all I can do, work on my own problems and hope.

SOLAR has been more harmful than helpful as of late; I fear as much as I try it's more of a danger to my relationship and my self esteem than it is fun. I think a lot of it has to do with my character, the fact that she's a timid, underestimated and easily frightened young woman who is too scared to do the things she wants to. Combined with the fact that I feel like a total leptic and that I think people are constantly sizing me up and thinking I'm an awful player and the fact that girls are never-ever taken seriously at SOLAR. It's very damaging to my sense of self-worth. If you know me, you know that of all things to get me in the worst mood is to embarrass me, and that's how I feel all the time at SOLAR.

I worry that it's me, that I'm asking too much, not relaxing and just letting things go as they may, that I'm being overly-sensitive and demanding. All I know is that what I am asking of Matt to fix our relationship, I've got to be willing to do myself and actually do myself instead of just saying I will.

Well, I'm trying.

mood: distressed distressed
music: Celtic Nights CD

6 Voices in a Chorus | Lift Your Voice Aloft
maxine From: maxine Date: August 1st, 2001 08:26 pm (UTC) (link)
girl it looks like we've both been having a horrible day.. hope yours goes better and im always here if you need someone to talk to .. love ya :)
From: starbuckanear Date: August 1st, 2001 11:57 pm (UTC) (link)

Your Health

Hon, you are not being fair to yourself if you are putting more into a relationship than you are getting. It is not a matter of selfishness, it is a matter of maintaining your own mental health. I am not saying you are in a bad relationship, when I saw you in Japan I saw how happy you were, but you might need to change its nature. I have seen how a good relationship can be pulled out of a bad one by the two parties agreeing to a certain standard to live by. It was not easy, but when were relationships EVER easy.
And as far a SOLAR goes, I am a Class "A" Geek, but you know as well as I do that once a game starts to affect your REAL LIFE, it might be time to get the hell out, at least for a little while.

I'm sorry to throw advice at you. Tell me to butt the hell out if I'm out of line, but I want to see you happy is all.
lost_angel From: lost_angel Date: August 2nd, 2001 11:28 am (UTC) (link)

Re: Your Health

On no no no, I appreciate your advice greatly. Both yours and Nyarl's and the uplifting words of Maxie. It means a lot to me that you care and want me to be happy.

It just stings when the advice is correct, like with Nyarl and you, but the action that is the best is not necessarily the easiest one or the one you want to take.
maxine From: maxine Date: August 2nd, 2001 10:37 pm (UTC) (link)

Re: Your Health

ok... after reading nyarl's comment i figured it was time to give the angel a little bit of advice, from one girl to another, seeing as ive been here before... i sent it to you in an e-mail i just want you to know im here for you... and you should get the e-mail at the address in your icq. so um go and read it and let me know what you think :) *hugs* and im still here for you
From: starbuckanear Date: August 4th, 2001 08:30 am (UTC) (link)

Re: Your Health

They never are love, look I'm not you, do what you want, but we both know a certin someone who's feeling for there significant other had blinded them to the facts. Not to compare your boy to that loser at all, but just pointing out a thought. But that is enough said on that. Otherwise, how is the school thing going?
nyarl From: nyarl Date: August 2nd, 2001 07:17 am (UTC) (link)

a relationship is all about give and take, and being flexible and all that, but there does come a point where you have to stand up for yourself. No matter how much you love him, if your relationship with him makes you this unhappy maybe it's time for change. Notify him of your unhappiness, ask for change, and if nothing happens, then *do what's neccessary for you to be happy*. We only get one life - wasting it by not having a good time is silly.
6 Voices in a Chorus | Lift Your Voice Aloft