Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.

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How Embarrassment Strikes Fear into the Heart of Lost Angel

I face another night of sleeplessness, writing and reading poser poetry, and typing til my fingers fall off. But before I curl up with my new Princess Leia Pez Dispenser, I shall relate for you a tale of woe and bright red cheeks.

On one of the first weekends after I returned from Japan, I went to a SOLAR event (I think it was May or June, a while back in any case) with my fiancee, hoping to have a good time with both him and many of my friends I had not seen in a very long time. Although the weekend was fraught with disappointment (many of my friends had taken time off from the game and I just generally felt uncomfortable around many others), I spent all of Saturday in earnest anticipation of my first module, one built for the rogue class that I had hoped would help me enjoy the game and not make the weekend a complete waste of time.

On this module, I was accompanied by several cool people I consider friends and also a group of others who were just generally assholes, teenagers, or people I just didn't know very well.

At one point, after the module was completed and the group of us was standing around, discussing what we could have done better and such, I made a very stupid comment.

Basically, my words were, "I should have cause-2 killing gased the guy." In SOLAR-terms, this was a very stupid rules misunderstanding, and quickly prompted snickering and wise-cracks from the smaller group of people I didn't know. I grew very embarrassed and felt even more stupid than I had before at a game in which people try to make other people feel stupid and newbie-esque.

I hate getting embarrassed. Poke fun, tease me, make all the smart ass comments you want, as long as it's in jest and meant to make me smile, too. But if it's meant to hurt me, make me feel puny, less than myself, then I'll not like you for a very long time.

Although the stupid thing I said made me look like an idiot in the world of SOLAR, I doubt the giant scoreboard of life really gives a shit. However, my "bumbling incompetence" made it all the way to the ears of Stu Wolf and other personalities who promptly mention at a bar a few days afterward that they heard all about it. I felt somehow chastised for not knowing the rules (which in a way was true...if I continue to play I really do need to brush up on the rules since I didn't play for so long and many of the rules have changed).

I already second guess myself and feel stupid around certain people at SOLAR, but now it's worse. Even tonight, if for some reason my mind drifts off to any random tangent that connects itself to that module, I blush and start banging my head against the wall.

This memory isn't really significant to anything going on in my life right now, other than to explain the severe difficulty I have with being embarrassed. I honestly feel it's a character flaw worthy of fixing. I've been trying for a while, and sometimes I shrug it off and sometimes I am unable to. It's not like I care about what everyone thinks of me, but if it's a generally social situation in which I participate semi-regularly or if you're a person whose respect I desire, I am very sensitive to that embarrassment and impression others have of me.

I don't act differently, I just feel the pressure of it. It's weird cause I used to never get nervous, ever. You can put me in front of a thousand people and make me talk for an hour or play hostess to a large household of strangers and I'd have no difficulty but SOLAR and similar situations bring out the bumbling little girl in me, afraid of tripping on her own shadow.

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