Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.

  • Music:

A Winter Machine

Regret may be a romantic character flaw, that thick shard of humanity that runs through some our favorite fictional characters. But in real life, regret is tragic and debilitating.

And even worse is fear. Fear that works its way into your joints like a thickening cold, freezes you up tight before you even try to move. Fear moves your life like a glacier, making changes at a dying pace. More scar than survival.

This winter has been more painful for me than many seasons strung together. For years, self-loathing and fear kept me occupied with empty tasks and diversions. In my frigid fear, I rattled the ground at my feet and brought brittleness into my most important of relationships. Now I, and circumstances, have placed ultimatums and deadlines that helped to shake away the fear.

Necessity, cornered survival, they've at least given me courage.

And I'm happier with myself now. Not perfect. Not finished climbing. But better.

And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all

Thank you, Dar, for verbalizing my climb.
Tags: self-improvement

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