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Scrappy-Doo at the Picture-Shoo - Salvador Dali in a lawn chair.
I'm invisible without 3D glasses.
Scrappy-Doo at the Picture-Shoo
I've picked up a bad habit at some point within the last ten years.

God, that makes me feel old. The fact that I can divide parts of my conscious and mostly-rational life into lumps of ten.

It probably started about eight or nine years ago when cell phones started to become cheap enough that parents who worried too much yet were too weak to parent properly bought one as a leash for their 15-year-old.

Or perhaps it started four years ago when we watched as first the Malo Majestic theatre, then the Paradiso, then even the Desoto16 in Southaven were overrun with boisterous, ego-centric, inconsiderate fucktards.

My name is Ginger. I'm 27. And I pick fights in movie theatres.

None were actual throw-downs, although I've been nervous several times that they might turn into one. I know I've threatened to "beat the shit" out of a fourteen year old punk. To explain for those who may not know me personally, I'm a heavy-set, 5'2", see-the-world-from-others'-eyes, everything-can-be-handled-diplomatically, non-violent girl.

The last few years, my friends and I have had more miserable movie experiences than good ones. Jimmy doesn't even like going to the movies anymore, partially because I often make us late but mostly because of the environment. These prolonged negative experiences have turned me into a one-woman crusade to destroy all jerks, punks, brats, ghetto-politans, busybody-bitches, schmuck puppets, parents who bring babies and screaming toddlers to rated R movies, people who can't find the OFF button on their cell phones, and general movie-going-mankind.

I don't have a problem with normal movie noise, i.e. the occasional whisper, rummaging through a popcorn tub, accidental knocking of my seat. However, if there is someone being genuinely and persistently rude, and all attempts at ignoring them and immersing myself in the movie have failed, I give the normal, polite, Southern request:

"Please, could you keep it down." or just a plain "Shhh."

I've been known to cross the room and sit down next to a woman whose child is screaming and explain to her politely that her child's screaming is making it hard for us to hear the dialogue.

If they quiet down, it takes me another 10 minutes, but I calm down and go back to watching the movie.

But if they decide that they're entitled to be an asshole and continue to ruin the movie for everyone around them, my anger-enhanced hearing, like some mutated babel fish, transforms my frustration into courage. I then speak to them again with as much condescension as I can muster.

"If you are physically or mentally incapable of being quiet, then you need to leave." or "Would you please kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP." or "You just don't know what to do without a dick in your mouth, do you?".

After I embarrass them in front of their friends and neighbors, most people do indeed shut up. However, there are some who even still prevail in their desire to waste my time, money, and breathable air.

During Inside Man there was a well-dressed, long-nailed, ghetto-politan cunt with her boyfriend who spoke incessantly in a just-under-normal voice and intentionally made more noise (shaking the ice in her drink directly behind my head, faux laughter, and more talking) after I asked her politely to keep it down. When I rounded on her again she responded with, "No, what you need to do is turn back around. I paid for my ticket..." with one finger up and her nose higher than Denise Richards'. Instead of saying "Touche" (which she undoubtedly would not have understood), I simply got the manager and his cop side-kick who pulled her out of the theatre and asked her to pipe down. She didn't make another sound.

Thankfully the staff of the new Oxford Malco Cineplex actively tries maintain a pleasant environment.

Movie theatres, traffic, and telemarketing make me hate people. They're turning me into a bigot. They're sabotaging my adoration of the human race and poisoning my outlook on life. I don't want to hate people and I don't want to hate myself for what they bring out in me.

Current Location: my home office, Oxford, MS
mood: oddly calm
music: Simon & Garfunkel - "Kathy's Song"

13 Voices in a Chorus | Lift Your Voice Aloft
havoknkaos From: havoknkaos Date: April 3rd, 2006 07:49 am (UTC) (link)

Was recently discussing how a lack of manners combined with the indoctrinated inability to say "no" has turned society into a bunch of codependent passive-aggressive selfish pricks and assholes, who wonder why no one listens to them and yet ignores everyone else.
lost_angel From: lost_angel Date: April 3rd, 2006 01:51 pm (UTC) (link)
codependent passive-aggressive selfish pricks and assholes, who wonder why no one listens to them and yet ignores everyone else

Wow, I think you nailed it, Dr. Freud. Good insight.
From: navydave Date: April 3rd, 2006 11:28 am (UTC) (link)
I think you guys are theatre cursed... you have more trouble than anyone I know.
Maybe for the sake of your sanity you should skip the step where you cuss/insult (I spelled this 'inslut' the first time. I was amused.) them and just go right to the part where you bring in the theatre staff to deal with them. Less satisfying I imagine; but surely less likely to inspire various forms of hatred.
lost_angel From: lost_angel Date: April 3rd, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC) (link)
I don't get that much satisfaction in telling them off. I don't particularly enjoy it and I usually don't think of anything snappy to say until long after the moment has passed. It takes so much anger to work me up enough to even bother telling them off that it's hard for me to enjoy the movie afterwards without worrying about them sticking gum in my hair or running us over with their car in the parking lot.

There are both good and bad aspects to calling the manager on them directly. Good: less fear of retribution and, even more importantly to me, it's less likely that I'll ruin the movie for the rest of the people by telling that that one or two people off. Bad: I wind up missing part of the movie (even if I've told them off, I can still keep track of what's going on), and I risk being known that "that crazy woman" who keeps tattling on all the guests.
catgoddess From: catgoddess Date: April 3rd, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC) (link)
I feel your pain. It seems like every time I go to the movies, which isn't that often now, I get some ass sitting somewhere close by. I usually just kick their chair or "accidentally" smack them in the head, but sometimes I just get damn irrate and tell them to shut the fuck up.
alcamar From: alcamar Date: April 3rd, 2006 03:35 pm (UTC) (link)
Yeah, this new theater is doing pretty damn good. V for Vendetta, I noticed at least once that some guy had come in and was watching. Maybe they took Jimmy's last suggestions to heart? :)
From: gothicbeauty21 Date: April 3rd, 2006 07:00 pm (UTC) (link)
I know that when Mom and I went to see Harry Potter, the manager and one assistant came in pre-show and instructed EVERYONE to turn off their phones, and that any phone that rang would be confiscated by an usher. And that anyone being disruptive would be removed by the same usher.

Granted, that's the only movie I've gone to see in the Malco, but I've got a lot of friends that go to movies often and they've just raved about the new management and the fact that they WANT you to tattle on the disruptive people. They want your business, they want to keep you coming back. They dont' want you to get so jaded about going to movies that you only come once a year.

Trust me, if I had more spare money right now, I'd go to a movie every week.
mandis13 From: mandis13 Date: April 3rd, 2006 08:45 pm (UTC) (link)
I don't even have a step one anymore; I go straight out and get the manager and cop duo on their arse thses days. I ain't palying that kinda dough for the hassle.

Remember, movie-theatre people are usually younger folks, and many of them haven't gotten to the age where they appreciate other folks.

Phuck it. Most people are assholes. My belief that the human race is composed of a majority of good people who deserve to breed has been trampled to death many moons past.

Folks that don't know how to act in public, ESPECIALLY the ones that believe they are entitled to act like beaver-rectums, deserve to be launched into the sun.
white_dandelion From: white_dandelion Date: April 3rd, 2006 09:52 pm (UTC) (link)
Stuart and I have had some of the worst experiences at the "American" movies theaters here. I refuse to go see anything in one, even if I really want to see it. We have driven an hour to Nürnberg to see a movie in a German Theater that shows Original Version movies and it was well worth it and without the annoyances of cell phones, screaming children, and teen-aged boys finger banging their girlfriends in the row in front of us. The other up side of the German Theaters is that Stuart can have a beer. :)

On another note...Schmuck in German means Jewelry... which makes schmuck puppets amusing. :)
stephaneyney From: stephaneyney Date: April 3rd, 2006 10:05 pm (UTC) (link)
Yeah, I totally understand your anger. I see it in the kids I teach. I have made a grade whenever we watch movies. "If you talk, and I have to say be quiet only once, you are getting a zero as a participation TEST GRADE...same ghetto - politans....as I am sure you are aware. I understand your comment about making a person a bigot...my question is constantly this: Have they ever been taught how to act in polite society? The answer: Hell no....their parents pull the same shit...just as ignorant, seeing any form of quiet and decorum as somehow selling out..or, as my kids like to say, but have no concept of the allusion..being an Uncle Tom. Or, this defense that many of my kids TRY to use: Just like you crackers to keep us down; said at any sign of criticism.

Yeah....I am right there with you on the humanity hating band wagon.
gigafive From: gigafive Date: April 4th, 2006 07:26 am (UTC) (link)
That's one reason I've stopped going to the theater. I love my Netflix account. I control the remote, and I don't have to worry about anyone bugging me.
spiderslacker From: spiderslacker Date: April 9th, 2006 01:56 am (UTC) (link)
"If you are physically or mentally incapable of being quiet, then you need to leave." or "Would you please kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP." or "You just don't know what to do without a dick in your mouth, do you?".

See, that's the foul mouth that made me love you in the first place. *sniffle* I've missed it so.
angel925 From: angel925 Date: May 26th, 2006 06:23 am (UTC) (link)
I *loved* this post. I need to borrow some courage because I have these same bad experiences, repeatedly.

The most recent and perhaps worst were the 15 year olds sitting in the front row @ brokeback mountain. I went for the manager, they saw me do it and then proceeded to follow me to my car after the movie, calling me a bitch and a nark.

Weee, i love children.
13 Voices in a Chorus | Lift Your Voice Aloft