Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.

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Goodness of the Heart

I keep oscillating between being mad at myself and being infuriated with Bill (a.k.a. Issib in DAOCrack). I feel like I've been ungrateful, but at the same time, I know I haven't lied or misled or been an overall inconsiderate bastard who lords over other people the things that he has "given freely".

Why lie and tell me that you want me here, that you're happy I moved in and don't want me to leave, that it's okay that I pay rent and live here for another six months, that everything is not just okay but good, when it's not true?

However, I think I've kept up my side of the bargain and thought that I'd become a full member of this household. I don't want to live in a place where I have to remember that I'm a charity case when I pay everything I'm supposed to and the only thing I might ever slack on is dishes.

Everyone is inconsiderate or hypocritical at times. The difference is that good people, or just the type of people I like and the type of person I like to try to be, actually try to understand the situation from other perspectives and know how to apologize.

I have always looked inward as the source of the majority of my problems, which is why I know this whole situation with Bill isn't a precise, black & white, right & wrong issue.

I just know that he was hurtful and cruel and I will never feel comfortable living in here and sharing "his space" again.

I now feel that the "goodness of his heart" isn't quite so golden.

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