Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.
lost_angel

After a brief discussion with gmp, I have decided to own up to something (and just in case gmp is reading, this isn't all about the discussion we had. This entry has expanded to include more than it).

I rarely read other people's journals. I try to stop in as often as I can to read the highlights of your week, but please don't ever be offended if I am slow to respond to journals when I should or forget to read altogether.

Along that same line of thought, I do not expect people to drool all over my journal, read it religiously, or post comments at all. I am flattered if anyone reads it, ever, period.

I admit I am horribly self-absorbed sometimes. I write in livejournal mainly for my own sake so that I write as often as possible. Often it's little more than drivel about my day and of little import. I have not liked much of how I live my life for a long time, and it's a never-ending battle sometimes to make myself follow the code that I know make me happier.

The desired result of this post is that everyone who is on my list understands that I do try to read your journals but often can't or don't.

Moreover, I have been wanting to increase the more essay-like info I put in here so that it is by nature and form better writing and less like a list of what I have done and need to do.

It is somewhat true that out of sight is out of mind. However, I have not forgotten my friends whom I rarely see, live in another city or another state. I consider friends to be just as much my friends now as they were before even if I do not interact with them on a daily basis. My friendship is not fickle nor is it any less loyal for not having seen the subject in many weeks.

I had a discussion with Mandis many months ago while on DAoC. Some of the people that I consider friends might not really know me very well or I might have changed from their original opinion of me. In such a case, we never really close and probably just hung out together in the same groups or were involved in the same games and I didn't consider them a close confidant or companion, but more a friend whose company I merely enjoyed (the most casual of friends).

A great deal of knowing a person is getting past that initial impression and mold that you've assigned them. When a person acts contrary to what you expected, they're not always acting weird but could be just being themselves and you've never noticed that part of them before.

In the end, I want people to know this. The fact that I don't come visit often (you live a rather decent drive away for just a casual hanging out session or just watching you play a table-top game I'm not involved in and only hear about from EverRaven), doesn't mean that I consider you any less of a friend as I did before. When I spent a short hour talking to Glover for the first time again in ages one Sunday afternoon, I was in a way slightly thrilled that I could still have fun just chilling with him.

Friendship isn't always equal, just as all relationships can easily become lopsided in affection or caring or feelings. I don't expect people to consider me a friend as much as I do, nor do I expect to be chummy with me when we were never chummy in the first place but rather just enjoyed each other's company in a large group. However, it doesn't lessen my interest in your lives and my desire to either strengthen certain friends, maintain friendships, or lessen the strength of others. Egos can get a little stung, but it's a part of growing up and growing apart, as well as deciding how you want to spend the precious commodity of time.

I've covered a lot of bases here and probably not explained myself well in much of it.
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