Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. (lost_angel) wrote,
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream.

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something a little personal so I don't care how bad my writing is...

First off, I hate writing about my romantic relationships in a public place because I feel like that's private territory that shouldn't be aired in front of other people...I should handle it with my SO, not just complain about it to other people. However, almost every time Matt and I talk about this, we fight or just plain feel shitty afterwards. So I thought maybe writing about it would make me feel a little better and also see if anyone else has had similar problems with which they can give me insight.

While we're on the subjects of bad days and fears (fending off one of those awful all-consuming depressive days), I have a confession to make. Since Matt has gone back to playing SOLAR every weekend, I have had to fight off this overwhelming feeling that I don't have a place in his SOLAR lifestyle. Yes, we met at SOLAR and I had a wonderful time playing the short time I was there. But within a couple of months after we officially started seeing each other, he quit working for SOLAR completely. For him to deal with losing such an important part of his life, he had to sever the ties altogether. Now, I'm very happy that he's gone back. He's missed his friends and his old lifestyle very much. After ten years of playing, Xavier had become an important part of Matt and I understand what it's like to have to cut out a hobby that has become not just a part of you, but had shaped you are, what you are. That's why I'm very happy for him that he's been able to return to SOLAR, see his friends, have fun the way he used to.

Now that said, as of late I've become very uncomfortable with the whole thing. Here are the reasons why I think I feel this way:

1. Almost all of Matt's and my relationship has been while we haven't been playing SOLAR, so I don't know what it's like to have to share his time with it.

2. Except for a miserable period of six months when I lived in Atlanta and wasn't in school, Matt and I have had a long-distance (6 hours away) relationship. Which means that if I travel to go visit him and go to SOLAR, I feel very gipped (jipped?) if we only get to spend reset time and sleep time together (which if you go to SOLAR, sleep time isn't very much time at all). And we never get to make love. With four beds to a cabin shared with in-play connections, I have to sleep out of play with him or not sleep at all. A hotel is too expensive and too inconvenient to drive to and from site every day. It's quite difficult that not only can we not hang out with each other in play (I'm a bit of a roleplaying elitist...I have to have a real in-play reason to associate with you, not just cause you're my SO), but also that there is not private space or time at SOLAR.

3. His friends are not my friends...yet. And most of his friends play SOLAR, I only see and meet through SOLAR, don't talk about much else other than SOLAR. I want to be able to share friendships with Matt more and he wants me to do the same (he wants me to share his friends, not him sharing my friends, but that's another issue). However, if I'm not as involved with SOLAR as Matt is and don't have the connections that he does, I wind up being quiet most of the time during conversations...and not for lack of trying. Plus, I can't say some of the things I think about people in charge because I know that it'll just start the rumor mill a-churnin'.

4. I am a newbie...and he makes a lot of anti-newbie (well, many newbies are idiots) and anti-leptic comments (some old players never make it out of the I think I'm cool so I'll lord it over you mentality) that I try not to take personally. But it's hard not to when I AM a newbie and a leptic.

5. I like SOLAR. I like seeing my friends, I like roleplaying, I like beating the shit out of monsters and sometimes PC's. In a way, I like the very difficult and complicated psyche that I put into my character, Tessa, and I like the challenge of playing her. But since I only played for 8 months before we left the game, I don't have the connections, story lines, reasons anymore to have something to go back to and make the game fun for me. Many of the people that I used to roleplay with are gone (either playing a different character or taking a break from the game). It seems like the only people left are the ones that want to kill me. That's okay though. Tessa will just have to take her lumps and I don't mind that. But it means that Ginger has very little to DO at SOLAR. I'm having to rebuild my character all over again...which means I'm not going to have ANY fun at SOLAR for several months. It's like I have to reinvest time and money into making SOLAR fun again. But in a way, it's like how I treat Asheron's Call: now that I don't have an addiction to it, it's easier to walk away.

But I don't want to walk away. I want to be able to go back and have fun. I want to be able to have that in common with Matt again. I want to be able to share his time, his friends, his fun with SOLAR.

It's just hard and I'm having trouble with all of it. And I'm just trying to ignore the stupid, PMS-ish part about all the girls who flirt with him there. :) That part only bothers me a little.

It also doesn't help that I would like to go to the Mississippi event this weekend and don't have the money and all my things are spread out among three different cities. My good costuming is stuck in my storage unit which the key for has been lost in the mail. My swords and dagger are with Matt in Atlanta. My digital camera is with Matt in Atlanta. And my bedding is in Hattiesburg.


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